And Now For Something Completely Different
by Rex
Summary: Harry Potter gets sucked down the toilet and finds himself in a series of alternate universes...


And Now For Something Completely Different

And Now For Something Completely Different

Harry Potter, fifth year, was eagerly awaiting Valentine's Day, tomorrow.

Cho Chang past Harry in the halls, and Harry could remember the first day of school that year.

_Everyone was still comforting her over the loss of Cedric. "Cho, are you . . ." someone had asked, only to be pushed aside by the beautiful girl._

"Yes, I am, thank you! I've learned to move on; so don't even think about trying to take advantage of me, you filthy male pig!"

Harry knew the girl had been avoiding almost every boy; she was dead tired of the attention she had been receiving due to Cedric's loss. It was a slight change of character for the girl, and to Harry it made her more beautiful.

But romance was in the air; and however cliche that sounds, it could aptly describe Hogwarts at the moment.

Harry thought of the latest he'd gotten from Hogsmeade: a box of chocolates, a Valentine's Day card, and a small bottle of perfume.

"Hi–" Cho said to Harry politely as Harry tripped over her leg.

"I'm sorry," Harry said. "I didn't mean–"

"It's okay, Harry. Are you heading for your common room?"

Harry nodded.

"Are you going to be all right?" Cho asked. Harry nodded again.

"Sorry again," he said, smiling. "See ya' later."

Cho was smiling, and Harry could tell she was trying not to laugh. He soon realized that he himself was also trying not to laugh. They both laughed quietly.

"You're blocking the middle of the hall!" yelled Severus Snape, in quite a rush. "Move along, move along . . ."

"Bye," Harry said to Cho as they parted in separate directions.

* * *

Harry woke up that morning, and he realized that it was a tad bit early. _Better get going,_ he said. Odds are, he'd end up running late as he always did.

Harry walked into the male bathroom, and Colin Creevey was doing something Harry had never seen Colin do before.

Colin was __shaving.

"Is that yours by any chance?" Harry asked Colin. Colin nodded proudly.

"Don't swallow the shaving cream," Harry said. Colin blew some of the cream around his lip on the mirror.

"I'll keep that in mind," Colin said.

"Colin, what do you need to shave for?" Harry asked, extremely puzzled. Colin hadn't even started his peach fuzz.

"I got all this peach fuzz," Colin explained. "You know, I never noticed at first till I was washing my face on day . . . so I went to Hogsmeade and got myself a razor and some shaving cream."

"Okay, Colin."

"Doesn't shaving just give you this manly feeling, Harry? It's like, you have the power to get rid of your facial hair or something . . . it's totally different than anything else I've ever done . . . I shave all the time. I love it!"

Harry immediately went back to sleep.

* * *

In the Great Hall, breakfast was being served. Lots of bacon, sausage, eggs, drinks . . . it was your typical Hogwarts breakfast. Harry eyed Cho Chang from across the room, eating lunch quietly amongst her friends. They were giggling about something, and Harry hoped for some reason that they were giggling about him.

"As I was saying, Harry," Hermione interrupted, clearing her throat. Ron was also looking at Harry. Harry looked at his two best friends.

"I don't think he's paying attention to your joke," Ron told Hermione. Hermione nodded and laughed.

"He's paying attention to _someone_ else," Hermione replied. Dennis Creevey, who had managed to find a seat next to Harry, elbowed him in the shoulder. __That little . . .

"What, Dennis?" he asked.

"Harry's got a girlfriend, Harry's got a girlfriend . . ."

"No, Dennis. Harry does not have a girlfriend," Harry said in the third person.

"Girls have cooties," said a first year Gryffindor walking in front of the table to get a refill. "They're all gross and icky and stuff. Cooties!"

Hermione rose from her chair. "Look, John, girls do not have cooties." Ron rose as well.

"Especially her," Ron said. Everyone looked at Ron strangely, who fell into his chair in embarrassment.

"Well, you have cooties, too," John said to Ron. Harry rose in defense of Ron.

"Ron does not have cooties."

"Yes, he does," John said, "and so do you."

"Do not," Harry replied.

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too!"

Seamus Finnegan stepped over to Harry and his little war. "Harry does not have cooties. What are cooties anyway?"

"They're all gross and icky and stuff," said John.

"Whatever," Seamus said. "Have fun, Harry." He went back to his seat, next to Dean.

"Grow up," Harry told John. "Because kids that don't grow up have cooties."

"Nuh-uh," John said.

"Uh-huh," Harry replied.

"Nuh-uh."

"Can it!" Hermione yelled. "Just shut up and stop talking about cooties."

"Sorry," Harry said. Ron whispered into Hermione's ear, and she laughed.

"What?" Harry said, laughing as well. "Leave us along, John."

"Nothing, Harry," Hermione said. Dennis went back to conversing with his second year friends.

"I think I know who Harry's looking at," Hermione said. Ron nodded.

"I think her name starts with D. As in Draco," he said.

"No," Harry said flatly. "But how would you know if he's a girl?"

"Hermione told me," Ron said.

"Ron!" she said, laughing. The three of them laughed.

"No, I think her name is Cho. Cho Chang," Hermione said. "I heard she was gonna become a nun after the thing with Cedric."

"I heard other things," Ron said. Hermione and Ron did not seem to notice Harry's lack of attention. Hermione elbowed Harry in the stomach.

"Harry, stop looking at Cho," she said. But Harry did not pay attention.

Cho left her table, and Harry picked up his pack and left as well. Ron pulled something out of his pack, Hermione not noticing as she was watching Harry.

"Hermione . . ." Ron said . . .

* * *

"Cho!" Harry said, catching up with her as she left the Great Hall. "How do you do?"

Cho laughed. "I'm doing great, Mister Potter." Harry closed the door behind them and looked through his pack.

"What are you getting, Harry?" Cho asked. Harry didn't answer. Cho waited as Harry produced a gift bag.

"Happy Valentine's Day," Harry said, smiling. Cho smiled back at Harry.

"That's so nice of you, Harry . . ."

"Thanks," Harry said. Cho began to move closer to Harry, and she put her arms around–

No, she didn't. She stayed where she was, smiling at Harry.

"You're welcome," she replied. "Well, I'll see you around." She left, and Harry danced down the hallway.

* * *

Harry walked into the bathroom a few minutes later. He stepped into the stall and, you know . . .

"Hey, Harry," Colin said, stepping into the next stall. "Gotta go, eh?"

"Yes, Colin," Harry groaned, wondering if this was intentional. He noticed that Colin did not sit down.

"Colin, you're supposed to sit down when you take a dump."

"Well, I'm hiding from Ron," Colin said.

"Why are you hiding from Ron?" Harry asked.

"Oh, I gave a Valentine's Day gift to Ginny."

"You're dead," Harry said. Colin stepped onto the toilet, ducking so you couldn't see his body at all. Harry got up, and after doing the necessary cleansing, flushed the toilet.

However, the toilet did not flush normally. A giant waterspout, slightly brown in color, spun out of the toilet, and Harry braced himself against the door to the stall. He tried to open it, but it was stuck.

"Need any help with the lock?" Colin asked. He jumped down from the toilet, ducking under the stall, seeing the waterspout. "Think your toilet's backed up?"

"Colin!!!" Harry yelled as the waterspout neared.

"Crawl under the door!" Colin replied. Harry fell to the ground, and he scrambled under the door, but the waterspout managed to get hold of his legs. It dragged him back into the stall, Harry's hands trying to grip hold of the floor. Colin reached his hand out, and Harry grabbed it.

Now the waterspout was stronger. It spun Harry around the stall, and Harry was hitting walls as Colin flew above him. Harry's grip gave out on the ninth rotation, and Colin hit the wall next to the sinks, a good few meters away.

Harry then felt the waterspout pull him into its eye, and it descended into the toilet.

* * *

After a bout through the pipes, Harry found himself at a dinner table. Everything was rather elegant; Harry noticed the woman sitting across from him was wearing a _very_ revealing red dress.

"Harry, have you ever been here before?" she asked.

"All the time," Harry replied. _Who is this?_ Harry thought to himself.

"Because I remember you said you didn't like Ukrainian food," the woman replied.

"Well, you said you did," Harry replied.

"I did?" she asked, almost as confused as Harry was. Ukrainian food?

"Or maybe you said French," Harry said.

"I said Indian." Harry's date's brown hair was pulled into a tight bun, and she didn't need makeup to look beautiful.

"Who cares?" she said, laughing. "But . . . Harry, we've been dating for a while; and I need to tell you something. I'm sure you'll be perfectly comfortable with it, but I just need to get it off my chest." She put her hand across the table, putting it over Harry's.

"Harry, I used to be a man." _Where in God's name am I?_ Harry thought. __I'd never date a beautiful woman who used to be a man!

"I guess you couldn't tell last night," she said. Harry fell out of his chair, onto the floor, fainting, something he'd never done when a person told him something. It was rather rude.

All was black for a moment until the ex-man woke him up, shaking him. "Harry, are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he said. "It was the wine."

"Harry, I know it must be sort of strange to know that you . . . you know, with a man." Harry could see the woman/man's face smiling.

"You could have told me earlier," he said. "But I don't mind. I wonder if all men are as awesome in bed as you are."

"Are you serious?" his date asked. Harry nodded as his date fell on Harry, kissing him on the lips. They were putting on quite a show for those around them. The manager came up to them, and kicked Harry's back.

"You are a disgrace to customers of Ukrainian restaurants! Leave, and don't come back, you stupid people! You are a disgrace to the West, and just as much of a disgrace to the East by daring to eat our food!"

"Look, I'm Harry Potter," Harry said. The man shrugged.

"Your point?" he asked. _Perhaps I'm in some other world,_ Harry thought, _a world where I'm not famous . . ._ He checked his right pocket for a wand. Not there. Then his left one. Not there. He checked his suit pocket. Nothing. He wasn't even magical.

"Are you reaching for a gun?" the manager asked. "Call the police! Harry Potter has a gun!" Harry's date immediately ran away from the restaurant.

"What's her name?" the manager asked.

"Gretna Wilson," Harry said, as if the name came to him by memory, which it seemed to have had.

"Sit in the bar, and wait for the police," the manager said, leading Harry to the bar.

"We turn on news for you," said the bartender, who had a definite Ukrainian accent.

"Hi, I'm Hermione Granger; and thank you for tuning in." _Hermione?_ Harry thought. _What kind of world am I in?_

"Our top story tonight is another attack by the Society of the Wolf, which as you probably know is a cult led by Remus Lupin whose members are supposed werewolves. They attacked the office building of _Conservative Magazine,_ which has repeatedly bashed the violent cult. The cult believes that their attacks are on the bases of an evil deity named Voldemort, who the cult calls "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" or "You-Know-Who." Scotland Yard is on the case."

Suddenly the world around Harry spun around him, and he began to spin in another whirlwind.

* * *

"Hermione?" he said, looking at the woman sitting across from him. She looked like her, the hair, the shoulders . . .

"Huh?" the woman said. "I don't know who this Hermione person is, but I'm not her! I'm Maria, Harry . . . we're getting married next week, and you can't even remember my name, honey!"

"I'm sorry, Maria," Harry said. "Character in a book I'm reading . . . she just reminds me so much of you." __Wow, I'm slick.

"Well, I'm glad it wasn't like some woman of yours . . . some old flame."

"Maria, I've known you since when, forever?"

"Since we were eleven. I was one of the first to be Sorted, and I was in Ravenclaw. And every house but Slytherin wanted you, the famous Harry Potter. But you were sorted into Ravenclaw, and you sat a few seats down from me . . . I remember you were paying attention to me the entire time, never to the Sorting."

"And you were doing the same," Harry said.

"And you weren't feeling too well either, after how that Weasley fellow treated you."

"What about Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Who is Hermione, honey?" Harry shook his head. Apparently Hermione Granger had not attended Hogwarts, or maybe she didn't even exist in this universe.

"I'm tired," Harry said.

"Harry, we haven't even ordered yet."

"I'm sorry, Maria," he replied with the most emotion he could muster. Well, he had to look tired and loving at the same time . . . quite a feat.

"May I take your order?" asked a waiter.

"Can you give us just a few minutes?" Harry asked. "I don't think we're quite ready to order yet." Maria looked at Harry, a look of surprise on her face. __We must come to this restaurant a lot.

"Can I order drinks?"

"Sure," Harry said. "Maria will order first." Maria nodded.

"I'll have this wine right here," Maria said, pointing to the menu. The waiter looked over at it. "I can't exactly pronounce it," Maria added.

"Me either, ma'am. Sir?"

"Iced tea, unsweetened."

"Thank you." The waiter left, and Maria bent down as if to tell Harry something serious.

"Harry, did you try on your suit yet? Can everyone attend the wedding? Do you want to go with the black tuxedos? Do we have to have rice thrown?"

"I say we go with something traditional."

"Are you sure, Harry?"

Harry put his hand over his fiancee's. "Whatever you want. I love you, and I'd be willing to marry you wherever you want . . . however you want us to look . . . whatever kind of ceremony you'd like."

"Harry, you're so sweet. I think we're going traditional, but the people said we can change the look until seventy-two hours before the wedding." Harry nodded.

"I can't wait," Harry confessed. __I'm playing this part pretty well.

"Don't you just want to get married now?" Maria asked. "I'm just so impatient."

"In a few days, we will be together forever. Nothing will be able to take us apart, not even death, my love." By doing this, Harry was avoiding that "We love each other so much, let's elope!" cliche, as was the author.

"Excuse me!" said a man in front of the main door. The crowd turned to him, paying full attention.

"There's a tornado outside . . . it just appeared out of nowhere. We've tried to control it, but it is just too strong . . . it's a five. Everyone please evacuate the restaurant immediately. Your food is on the house. Hurry, please!"

"Maria, I love you," Harry said, getting up from his chair and kissing the woman on the cheek. He began to run past the tables, heading right for the door.

"Sir, you cannot leave through the front door," said the man who had made the announcement. Harry shoved him aside.

"No, Harry, no!" yelled Maria as Harry ran outside and jumped into the cyclone.

* * *

Harry spun into a camp. He was in a tent with a young woman, no less than fifteen; and they were eating some meat that Harry could tell had been cooked over an open fire. The red-haired woman was dressed in rags, and Harry looked down and saw that he was as well.

"Harry, do you think this war will ever stop? I mean, the Muggles attacked us; and Tom Riddle's army–along with Dumbledore's–is trying to stop them . . . but . . . but, it just isn't working." _She's Ginny,_ Harry thought. __She must be.

"These are dark and confusing times," Harry said. "These camps that they're making us live in are all we have."

"That's not the Harry Potter I know," the woman replied, taking a bite of her steak. She was not using utensils, just her hands. "You always talk of rebelling or something. Harry, you need to do just that. You need to be some kind of leader. They're not magical, Harry. We are."

"But they control us," Harry said. "They've built all this stuff with some anti-magic substance. Ginny, it seems so easy; but it isn't."

"I remember when Dad went off to war . . . all my brothers did, too . . . well, everyone from Percy on up. Fred and George talk of getting involved, but we're all stuck in this camp together . . . and Ron . . . Ron . . ." Ginny sobbed; and Harry took her head, trying to make her feel better. "Why did they have to burn him? Why did he have to win the lottery? Why did he have to be burned at the stake?"

"Ginny, he did not deserve to die. It was not his time. You must make them pay for his death, take revenge. We must be warriors. We must fight the Muggles, with or without their weapons. We can do it," Harry replied. He could truly feel sorrow for this alternate version of Ginny, but for her it was life: hardship, war, pain, loss. __If she knew, she would beg me to take everyone with me.

"Harry," Ginny said, looking up to him, "are you serious?" Harry nodded and kissed her on the forehead.

"I'm very serious. We need to take a stand." Ginny embraced him and began to kiss him. As they did this, it began to run, to lightning and thunder. As the thunder boomed, Harry found himself no longer in the arms of Ginny . . .

* * *

A thunder clap ended as Harry looked across the table to see someone he never thought he would go to a restaurant with in his life: Colin Creevey. __Oh boy.

"Harry, isn't that waiter fine?" Colin asked. Harry was about to faint from shock. He was . . . no, there was no way . . . yes, it was . . . Harry Potter was fruity.

"He's got one nice butt," Harry said in the fruitiest tone he could. Colin laughed and licked his lips, which Harry could tell was teasing. __Oh dear God in heaven . . .

"You know, if I wasn't dating you, I'd ask that waiter out," Colin replied. Harry laughed.

"You're such a joker, honey."

"I was being serious, Harry," Colin replied.

"Well, why don't we ask the waiter if he would?" Harry replied. __He can't tell the difference . . . thank God.

"Oh he is," Colin replied. "We used to hang out in _the bar_ together," Colin said, keeping that flirting tone in his voice that Harry was also using.

"Ooh, the bar," Harry replied. Colin nodded and smiled.

"That was right after I divorced my wife . . . she introduced me to him, in fact. We were at my daughter's dance recital, and I asked who he was, and she told me it was Scott, and we just hit it off. She said he was fine, but he was also my type."

"Maybe we can arrange a little bit of fun for all three of us," Harry said. Colin looked shocked.

"Harry, you've always been sorta scared to cross the threshold. Are you saying that you want to? Now? Tonight?" Colin asked.

"Perhaps," Harry replied. "Seeing that we can't really be legally married or anything, we've got to cross that threshold sometime."

"Hey, you wanna go to the bathroom right now?" Colin asked. Harry nodded, not sure of what would happen; but he was pretty sure he wouldn't be crossing the threshold in a public bathroom.

Harry followed Colin into the bathroom, holding his hand. "This stall," Colin said, choosing a stall. __Oh no . . .

Colin and Harry slipped in, and no one took notice as Harry locked the stall. "Colin, we're not–"

"Of course not, Harry. We're just going to make out . . . you always like to do it in private when we're out to eat." Harry nodded.

"Yeah, well, I don't want to scare anyone more than we already do." Colin nodded, seeming uncaring about what Harry said. __He's looking forward to this . . .

"Could you do that thing with your tongue?" Colin asked. "You know, when you trace the roof of my mouth with your tongue . . . all those little lines?"

"Sure," Harry said, slightly regretting that he had wanted to go to the bathroom. Colin grabbed Harry, spreading his arms around the prisoner's back. His lips touched Harry's; and soon enough Harry Potter was making out with Colin Creevey, even doing that thing with his tongue. Harry could see Colin struggling to undo his zipper, and Harry kicked Colin there to warn him as not to even try at the moment. He felt a groan of disappointment as Colin's kiss became more intense.

_God help me; I'm making out with Colin Creevey, and I'm feeling around his mouth._ Colin moved closer to Harry, shaking his body so Harry could feel areas other than his mouth. __No . . .

Suddenly Harry could hear a little rain outside, and he knew this was his ticket out this universe and into another. He pushed Colin back and smiled.

"What do you say we go back to my place and cross the threshold?" he asked. Colin nodded. "Let's go outside," Harry said, leading Colin out of the bathroom outside. He felt the rain fall, letting its cold soothe him. He kissed Colin, and he felt himself falling . . .

* * *

Harry fell into a chair, staring across the table at Hermione Granger. _She's beautiful_, Harry thought to himself. Hermione had let her long hair down, and she was talking to Harry about something . . .

"Harry, we've been going at this a long time, you know." Harry nodded. "We've been dating for three years." Harry nodded again. But something in his mind told him that there was something wrong in this relationship . . . he could see himself cheating on Hermione . . . with a beautiful blonde . . . from what he could tell, it was Fleur. __I wonder if she shows off that trademark Veela anger in bed . . .

Harry could also feel nothing but friendship for this girl, and he could tell that there was not even an infatuation between the two. It tore his heart in two; Hermione was just such a beautiful person, someone who deserved better than what this playboy version of him had given her.

"Hermione, I don't know how to say this," he said. "I have not been myself lately. In fact, I'm not myself. I'm Harry Potter, but I'm a different one."

"Excuse me?" she asked. "You still look the same . . ."

"I'm from another universe. I know this may sound strange, but I was literally sucked down a toilet and am on this ride through the dimensions. Each time I arrive in a new dimension, I'm in a dating scenario. I just made out with a man!"

"Harry, what are you talking about? Have you had any drinks?" Hermione asked.

"Test me," Harry replied.

"Wait . . . did you tell any of your other dates this?" Hermione asked. Harry shook his head. "Then why are you telling me this?"

"I speak as an outsider, someone who does not want to hurt you or see you get hurt. Whenever I switch places with somebody, I sometimes have some of their memory. For example, I knew some of my date's names; and well, that was kinda it. But here . . . I have the memories of the Harry Potter you love, the Harry Potter that is completely unlike me. This Harry cheats on you, Hermione. With a Veela. He does not love you. He likes you as a friend, however."

"I don't believe you!" Hermione said, throwing her hand on the table. "You're just telling me this! I hate you! I'm breaking up with you right now, Harry Potter. If you want to break up with me, you can just tell me that, you don't have to tell me some stupid story about traveling to different universes just to break up with me!" Harry stared at the ground, playing the part of a man looking for sympathy, as Hermione reached across the table and slapped him. Harry tried to look even more sympathetic.

"Don't look like that, Potter! As far as I'm concerned, we're through! But . . . Harry, were you faithful? Were you faithful to me? Or did you go off sleeping with that Fleur?"

"I truthfully cannot answer that," Harry said. "All I have is memories from this person; and while I believe he's never been faithful to you, they could be dreams that haunt him . . . or the past."

"Well, Mister Potter, I must say I'm shocked by how you're treating me. Can you tell me who you kissed in your last voyage?" Harry could tell that Hermione was mocking him.

"Colin Creevey, a schoolmate of mine. In my universe, I'm currently in my fifth year; and we're fighting Voldemort."

"Excuse me?" Hermione asked. "Who's Voldemort? Who's Colin Creevey?"

"Colin Creevey is my groupie in a way," Harry said. "He follows me around and is pretty much obsessed with me, as is his brother. Voldemort killed my parents, and I survived. I'm kind of famous, you know; I was only a baby when it happened. But I have to get back to my universe, you know."

"Leave right now, Potter! I hate you! You had to make up these lies just to do this to me! Leave! Go! I never want to see you again!" Hermione took the ring off her finger and threw it at Harry, hitting his eye. "Go off to your own universe . . . go fight Voldemort . . . go kiss more men, you liar! You stupid, no good, piece of–"

"Goodbye, Hermione." Harry set the ring back on the table and walked out the restaurant. As he exited the restaurant, a lone snowflake began to fall. Harry caught it with his tongue . . .

* * *

And found himself closing his mouth on a piece of steak. Across from him was a man, another man. _Oh no,_ Harry thought. __I'm fruity again.

"Can I go to the bathroom real quick?" Harry asked. His date, oddly familiar nodded. But Harry's voice . . . something wasn't right.

"Yes, sugar." Harry stepped out of his chair; and he looked down at his feet, which felt quite awkward. Black shoes . . . high heels! __Oh my God.

Harry took his time walking to the ladies' room. His chest was strained (probably from that uncomfortable bra), and he could see that he was showing off quite a lot in that black dress of his.

Men stared at Harry, or most especially his chest. It was rather strange, and it left an odd taste in his mouth . . . similar to kissing Colin. Harry then felt his name in his mind: Mary Potter.

But still, the concept of going into a public women's restroom was intriguing. __I've waited all my life to do this . . .

Then Harry felt a little bit wet. _Oh God, she's bleeding . . ._ Harry was suddenly glad he was now a man; he felt kind of like he'd done it in his pants.

Harry opened the door to the women's restroom and stepped into a stall. __Dang it, it's empty.

Harry had no idea how to take the dress off, so he was pretty much forced to exit that stall and head back to the table.

And there the face became more familiar: Ron. The plates were empty, so Harry assumed it was time to go.

"Ron, can you pay the bill so we can go home?" Harry asked. Ron nodded.

"Already did, Mary. We're gonna go back to my place and have a little bit of fun."

"I love it when we have fun," Harry replied. "Especially when you let me have a water break."

"All the water you want, baby." Harry stared out the window of the restaurant. It was nighttime, and it wasn't raining. There was no weather phenomena occurring. __Oh no, I'm going to . . . no, I'm not. There is no way I will . . . look what you've gotten yourself into, Harry.

"Let's go home, honey," Ron said, taking Harry's arm. "Apparate home," he told him right before they appeared in the main room.

"Let's go," Ron said. Harry nodded as Ron began to undress. Ron's eyes were wide with anticipation. Harry, however, did nothing, just smiled and tried to ignore the aspects he didn't want to see.

"I'm going to go put something attractive on," Harry said. Ron shook his head.

"I'll take it off," Ron said. Harry shook his head. Suddenly an idea came to him . . . he could return home . . . he knew how.

"What do you say we do this in the bathroom?" Harry asked. "We've never done it there." Ron nodded.

"Follow me," Harry said, taking Ron's hand. He led him into the bathroom, the location of which he knew because of memory. Harry opened the door, and he saw himself . . .

He had black hair . . . green eyes. It was him, just as a woman. _I'm a horrible-looking woman . . ._ He could also see Ron excited. __Oh God.

Ron slipped Harry's dress off, leaving his undergarments on. "Let me use the bathroom, honey," Harry said, flipping up the toilet seat. Ron watched, and Harry was kind of amused.

After finishing, he flushed the toilet, and the waterspout returned. Harry dove right in, and he could hear Ron scream "No!!!"

* * *

Harry was in a cell in a dungeon. __I think the dating's done.

"Let the boy out." Harry recognized the huge, booming, voice of Lord Voldemort.

The bars disappeared, as did the guard. The landscape changed as well . . . Harry was standing on a large open plain . . . the grass as green as his eyes, the sky as blue as it usually is on a sunny day. The grass was trimmed finely, and there was nothing to hide behind in sight. In the sky, Harry could see a giant bird. On top the giant bird was something . . . a person: Lord Voldemort. _Oh Lord,_ he thought, no pun intended. (Or I could be lying.)

The phoenix circled Harry, swooping down with each rotation. It landed in front of him, and Voldemort dismounted, almost like a horse. He whispered something to it, and the phoenix flew off.

"You are stronger than I thought, Harry Potter," Voldemort said. "You have survived this test. If we could have controlled your leaps, you would have been tortured more. But sadly, you stepped into what we like to call the space-time accelerator too soon; and with every leap you could have been home. And you would have managed to stay somehow, I know. But not this time, Potter. You will die at my hands; there will be no one to save you: no Dumbledore, nothing with the wands, no Hagrid, none of your friends . . . nothing at all. You are in a world I created specifically for–"

"Lord Voldemort," said another voice, one Harry recognized as Snape, "you have tried this before. It has never succeeded. I know you do not want Potter. You want me, Lord Voldemort. Admit it."

"Well, Severus, I think you must be mistaken . . ."

"Admit it!" Severus yelled, falling between Harry and Voldemort–not much of a distance, but Severus had lost some weight during the summer.

"Okay, Severus, look . . ."

"Face it, man!" Severus said. Harry believed that no one would ever address the Dark Lord like Severus was, but it was happening. "You used my potions knowledge to your power. And now that Dumbledore has them, you were going to use Harry to lure me here and kidnap me, while at the same time getting rid of Harry!"

"Severus, this has nothing to do with that incident with Mark . . ."

"It's the exact same plan, Voldie! You're just recycling it . . . you figured that I wouldn't remember! Sorry, Charlie."

"Why doesn't anything I do go to plan?" Voldemort asked, throwing down his wand. "Here's a deal: you _both_ join my side, and I'll throw in a bunch of galleons in a Swiss bank account." Severus shoved the Dark Lord to the side.

"You are the weakest link; goodbye!" Severus said, muttering a spell. And with that, they disappeared.

* * *

They emerged in the bathroom, covered with brownish water. Harry turned to Snape and said the two words he never thought he'd say to the former Death Eater: "Thank you."

"Don't mention it," Severus said, performing a cleaning charm. "We're going to have to file an official report, Harry." Harry nodded. "We need to know the exact details."

"Sure," Harry said. "Give me about an hour to get better," Harry said. Severus nodded.

"I'll meet you at the Great Hall in an hour and fifteen minutes."

* * *

The common room was empty as Harry walked out of it an hour later. He had been excused from his classes for the day because of the Dark Lord's plan.

He walked the halls, even saying hi to Peeves. It felt great to be back home.

Two Ravenclaw girls walked the empty halls, giggling as they saw Harry. He smiled and said hello as they walked past. They giggled constantly, and he smiled.

As they were long past him, he turned back, looking again.

One of them looked oddly familiar.

_Author's Note: I think that was something completely different. This is my entry for Flourish's May 2001 Challenge, and the lone requirement was that the fic had to be about romance. I think I covered all bases and have finally proven I'm not just an action/comedy writer. Who knows, maybe this guy (in other words, this male) can write romance._

_I never told anyone this idea. No one at all. It's all a surprise. Let me know your opinions. My last fic received one review. (Thanks, Katie!) Be as constructive as you want. Comment on everything: the Colin/Harry kiss, the Colin/Ginny shipping, the Harry/Cho, the Harry/Ron . . . whatever you want. By the way, is Harry/Ron in this fic considered slash? I don't think it is, but I'm not sure. Please leave your comments . . . ask questions in your reviews, and I'll try to email you back. Remember: would you like to get few reviews? Didn't think so . . . let's be equal, shall we?_

_Thanks for reading, and remember: review please!_


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